Achievements are the Most Important Thing Ever

Relax, they're not. Still, almost anytime a similar site is spawned it's always accompanied by the critic's cry: "They're just a bunch of useless numbers, you know." Yes, we know. Direction and design, novelty and narrative, culture and commentary - games have never had so much going for them, so much worthy of appreciation - and we have the gall to go out and like achievements? That's right, 'cuz we're loners, Dottie, REBELS.

So here's what to expect:

General Tips - Not sure where to start? Not too sharp, are you?

The Easy List - Interested in renting games for some quick and easy points? You masochist, you.

The Mid List - Tired of the question/insult explanation format? You're dumb! Okay, sorry - The Mid List is home to the majority of games out there - nothing that you can 1K in 1 sitting, but nothing that will slowly sap your humanity for months at a time, unlike...

The Hard List - Broken achievements, shut-down servers, impossible completions, and just plain loooooong and/or difficult achievements, The Hard List is rough journey for only the most admirably dedicated and/or depressingly damaged gamer - only you can decide.

The Shut-Down Server List - Also known as "EA vs. 2K: Who Will Win?" Answer: we lose. These games are no longer playable online, making some of their achievements completely impossible.

Glossary - Kind of like a dictionary only without the "diction", but still with the "ary", and with no actual "gloss" involved. Words, people, words.

Contact - Check me out kids, I'm hip! I got the tweeters and the facebooks, and you can even send freemails and chatters to my webnets! I'm 83 years-old.

That's it for the core of the site, otherwise you can keep a bearded eye open for weekly ramblings, and up to the minute tweets on the latest achievement releases and their difficulty, wherever The Beard may find them.

Welcome to AchievementBeard.com!

Glossary

The AchievementBeard Glossary is always a work in progress people, contact to contribute!
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1K (1King, 1Ks, 1Ked) - 1000, as in all 1000 achievement points of any given game. The "K" comes from "kilo" which comes from the Greek word "χίλιοι" which comes from taping pencils to a chicken's feet and feeding him a lot of cocaine.

Ach - The best way to abbreviate "achievement" without sounding like a 13 year-old girl or mental patient e.g. "cheev", "cheevo", "cheevy cheevies oh-em-geevy!!!"

Boosting - When laziness meets OCD, boosting is born - well, sometimes. Other times you're stuck playing a game with online ach after the community has long since died, so naturally you gather up comparably plighted people and take turns killing each other. It's great!

Completionist - Never content with anything but 100%, the completionist shudders at the sound of words like "Quake 4" or "G.R.A.W.", and will typically go out of his way to maintain his high completion percentage - even murder...ously long gaming sessions!

Exploit - Initially thought to be a new bodily function discovered by fraternity scientists, an exploit is actually a lovely little loophole in any given game that allows you to bend the rules a bit, possibly providing 1 or 2 unlocked achievements along the way...

Gamesaver - Imagine if you could start a game at any point just before an achievement is about to unlock. Great. Now imagine you play for however many seconds until... achievement unlocked! Now imagine you're a cheater. Image complete!

Grinder - Much like its cosmic equivalent, the black hole, a grinder is an excessively time-consuming achievement that uses months upon months of repetition to suck every last bit of life and relevant thought from your mushy little brain just before causing your Xbox to Red Ring.

Second Profile Glitch (SPG, SPGer, SPGing) - Similar to gamesaving (in that it's unmistakeably cheating), profile glitchers skip the whole "earning" part of unlocking achievements by mooching off a "second profile" that already has the ach they want.

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If there's a word missing from the glossary, it's because you haven't yet sent it to The Beard!

Bombarded by Beard

That's right, mail now comes in a special "E" version! So fire up that Epen and write achievementbeard@gmail.com in that receiver's square, because surely that's what all those things are called. And don't forget to attach pictures of your beautiful beards - and I'm not just talking to the ladies.

That's right,face now comes in a special "book" version (hey it's not my fault they didn't call it Eface - they've lost millions). What I can only assume started out as an underpowered Farmville engine has since grown into a huge place where you can "like" and become "a fan" of things!

Whenever you're not too busy ROFLing or BRBing you should try this more ADD friendly version of e-stalking called Tweeter (or something)! Not only will you get to hear about the most recent developments in achievement land (which actually isn't the name of the latest island the Japanese are building), you'll also be privy to the poorest puns that lack-of-money can buy!

Well aren't you the chatty kathy! If you've got something against Gtalk and Facebook chat you can always try AOL Instant Messenger (AIM for all you acronym-loving goofs out there) at the painfully obvious username of "AchievementBeard".

Be beardly, now.

Easy, Mid, Hard, and Server Lists Updated! Actual Launch Immenent!

The Beard builds! Creating content takes time, mien freunds, but very soon the last two pieces will be assembled and something resembling an official launch will take place. Then you'll be treated daily-to-weekly updates - everything from info on upcoming games and achievements to the patented pretentious prattle you've come to expect from someone with so much facial hair. Until then enjoy the numerous additions to all four game lists, and go get some points!

General Tips

You may think achievements are essentially just a bunch of ones and zeroes, but then how do you explain all the other numbers? Because achievements are like Transformers: there's more than meets the eye... and nobody's made any palatable movies about them yet. So here's what The Beard has found will dependably deliver the most points the quickest, and for the least amount of money.

Cash-chievement Unlocked!

The higher your score gets, the more you'll start to realize one simple fact: ach = cash. Your first reaction may be to sell all your worldly possessions and start a life of crime and prostitution to pay for your dirty habit, but there's actually an easier way!

1. Rent Your Games - Renting is almost always cheaper than buying, but you still have a couple options. At the top of the list is Gamefly - $15.95 a month and 1 game at a time is mailed right to your door, and if you stick to The Easy List you should be able to 1K about 4 games a month. Your Gamefly game-flow depends on 2 things: how far you live from the nearest Gamefly shipping hub, and the availability of the game itself - so don't fill up your "Q" with a bunch of new releases or you'll end up waiting more than playing. In the end, you want to make sure you're getting at least 3 games a month, otherwise you're probably not getting your money's worth. If that sounds like too much time or money, or if it's a game that takes a bit longer to complete (e.g. The Mid List), then you might want to check out your local Blockbuster - if they still subscribe to their "no late fees" policy (many no longer do). If so, you can essentially hold onto the game for almost an entire month for usually under $10. Blockbuster's "Gamepass" is also an option, but at $21.99 a month you'll have to play at least 4 games a month to get your money's worth, so you might as well go with Gamefly since it's cheaper and has a better selection of games anyways (upgrade to Gamefly's 2 games-at-a-time plan if you just gotta spend 20 bucks a month somehow).
2. Buy Used Games - Simple rule: if the game's achievements are going to own you, then you might as well own the game first. Ebay will usually be the cheapest if you don't mind a little extra time and attention to detail (trustworthy seller, fair shipping charges, etc), but every now and then your local Gamestop/EB Games is useful for more than just marveling at their underpaid yet inexplicably obsequious employees. Their "buy 2 get 1" used game sales happen often enough that you just have to wait until the next one, enter the store, fend off the guy at the counter, and find the "discount" bin. At the risk of sounding like The Beard works for the freaking company, Gamefly comes in handy with used games too! Since you're already paying a monthly fee, and you earn stackable coupons the longer you're a member, you can often end up getting older used titles for as low as $2.50 and free shipping - hard to beat that.
3. Sell Your Old Games - Unless you're some kind of boxer or UFC hot-shot, your retinas are probably still attached to an undamaged brain, so you may have noticed the word "Sell" and not "Trade-In". Trading in games is hardly ever a good deal, period - why do you think they want you to trade them in in the first place? Unfortunately, your alternative options are quite limited - the best of which is probably Ebay. Sure, it's more work than just handing your game over to the guy across the counter, but Ebay will put more cash in your hand every single time.
4. Played by the Arcade? - The Xbox Live Arcade is a wonderful thing - where else can you buy great games and easy points without even bothering to put your clothes on? Okay besides Wal-Mart? When it comes to achievement points, however, the Arcade has a distinct disadvantage: you can end up paying relatively more money for less achievement points that take just as long or longer to unlock than a regular retail game. Not only that, but you're left with nothing to trade-in or re-sell when you're done. Even if it's just 10 bucks for a quick 200 points, that same 10 bucks could easily buy a quick 1K from Ebay or your local used-game bargain bin. In a sentence: XBLA can be great for games, but poor for points.

Clear Your Cache

Ever say yes to that "update" or "patch" for a game only to find out later that it killed your mother? Me neither, but sometimes it does something really inconvenient and removes a glitch or exploit that would otherwise help you unlock achievements! The Beard can't bring your mother back to life (YET), but he can tell you how to erase that update!

Exit to the Xbox dashboard, go to the "My Xbox" channel and scroll all the way to the right and select "System Settings". After that scroll down to and select "Memory", then highlight the drive you use for everything (usually your HDD) and hit the Y button. At the very bottom of the list is "Clear System Cache" - congrats, you can navigate a menu. Now next time you stick in the game just say NO to the update!

NOTE: This will NOT erase any of your saved games or important data, nor cause your Xbox to become sentient and commit suicide (because seriously, what else would it do). You won't be able to connect to Xbox Live while playing an un-patched game, but you'll have access to whatever ach-helping exploit was eliminated! Otherwise just re-boot the game and accept the update - boom, everything's back to normal.

There you have it, my bearded brothers and sisters - can't you just feel the points waiting to be unlocked?